Post baby sucks. I had a baby 6 months ago this Saturday and I can not shake these awful feelings of doom and gloom. The thing that sucks more than anything is that no one wants to hear about them. Or, should I say I don't want to share them with anyone. It's weak and degrading and pathetic that someone who has as much as I do is feeling this way. The only explanation is hormones. I cry when I go to bed because I am tired and fixated on whatever "horrible" foreshadowing I have going on in my head. And, I cry when I wake up due to the same feelings - fatigue, hopelessness. It has went on for so long now that I feel it's a part of me. It is like some horrible teen agnst novel. Like a Judy Blume book. Waaah, wahhh, I don't have a husband, I live where it's always warm and sunny, there are ugly people on the beach - it's pathetic. I don't want to take medication which is just pissing the people who I do share with off - great sentence I know, say it outloud, I'm depressed damnit. I do wish I had someone to unload on and rub MY back and tell ME it will be ok - and then it could very well be okay or it not. Who knows, I put too much emphasis on the uncontrollable. So, I spend time with selfish, spoiled men that add to my burdens because of the glimpses of whatif's I have. There's no end, only updates. Waiting for the next big change. It'll come, I'll have to stick in there - they always come, those big changes. Reminds me of Billy Joel and that cheesy song of his that I always sing along with. Oooohhh, you'll get your second wind - ewww, ohhhh. I'm depressed and a dork, great.