OPERATION TEDDY BEAR!

I hate Florida, mostly the weather. But, I love that people are weird wherever you go - just in some areas you have to look harder for them. My neighbor upstairs first appeared to me as just a normal middle aged, white, gay man. Nice, not overly friendly, but, not introverted or odd seemingly. But, within a matter of one week I started to notice the signs of insanity. First of all, he is up all hours of the day and night. Ok, maybe he has insomnia - not that uncommon. But, alas, no he is insane. He walks when he is up. Like Bigfoot. I call him the Stomper. Back and forth - room to room - nonstop. At first it kept me up, now I'm used to it. Okay, so weird - but, not overly. Well, then the extremely strange world music started to play during these walks. Same beat, tempo over and over again. Again all hours - but, not always with the Stomping. Then came the furniture being moved. Back and forth from the living room to the lanai, from the lanai to the kitchen. And, lastly I started to see him outside from time to time - always in head to toe scrubs (hat included, one time with the mask). Then it occurred to me what is going on. He is insane, but, in his world this all makes perfect sense. I realized that he has one beat up old Teddy Bear and he operates on it. Each time he has a delusional thought it will include this teddy bear being rolled in on a gurney missing an eye, arm, leg - what have you. He will have to act quickly and setup a make shift OR. He, like most surgeons, likes to listen to music when he operates. He has to act quickly, the pressure is on and this teddy bear's life is in jeopardy. It happens several times over the course of 24 hours. Sometimes, like right prior to the holidays, he had several emergency cases - back to back. Probably due to all the holiday parties. It's been quiet over the past two days, but, I know New Year's Eve is going to be crazy.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT OUR BOTTOM SMELLS LIKE
Without sadness and pain there would be no humor. In my opinion at least, the best humor comes from the saddest and most pain inducing life experiences. Now what a way to start a blog about the birth of my beautiful baby - but, being a woman it is not surprising that I am overcome with emotions of all kinds only 9 days into being a mother. (I have enclosed a picture of my baby above, she is a Gnome - wise in many, many ways. I can't wait until she starts talking and I can learn of her secrets. Also, the doctor swears that the facial will eventually fall off - no need for concern).

Her birth, as births go, was pretty "easy." I mean, yes, I wanted to die for 5 hours, but, then the epidural kicked in and my sister and myself just starting gossiping and telling jokes - basically laughing for the next 15 hours while I lay there and pushed when prompted. I couldn't feel a thing. Dilating the whole time though - until completely dilated. Then the nurse, Angel Nicki, came in and said - alright you have to get a cesearan. I am/was fine with that - I love scars. The doctor who was coaching me a dream, all soft spoken, beautiful eyes - I asked him out as soon as Gnomie was in the world. But, the timing was off. We made a date to go to Denny's later that night, but, I never made it.

There were two quite hilarious things that happened over the course of those 25 hours though. Well, at least in my opinion they were hilarious.
The first being when I had come in the night before I gave birth. I had started getting cramps and got scared. My sister rushed over and took me into the hospital at 1am. I was alert, not crying, not in much pain - just scared about the Gnome and her well being. The nurse in OB Triage was this big bull-dike, but, yet also grandmotherly looking woman. She gave me the run down on why I was not in labor enough to stay at the hospital. Then she told me the secret of "true labor." "Your bottom will start to smell, and not like bottom smell." She got really serious then, and proclaimed loudly "AND, we all know what our bottom smells like!" My sister and myself did not question this at all. We nodding oblingly - then we left and we were both like - what does that mean? It soon became a token phrase. Still, 9 days later we are quoting the nurse. It's very appropos to any situation really. "What movie are you seeing?" "Holiday. AND, we all know what our bottom smells like!"

Second sick, yet funny instance took place on the labor floor. My water had not broke and so my OB came in broke it and left. My sis kept saying, where's the water?! Well about 5 hours later the water came rushing out like an usher all over Nurse Angel Nicki. I'm talking soaked. I was unaware because I was in full on aerobic mode - but, my sister immediately begain to crack up. I thought the best part was that Nicki didn't flinch. She dried off and went back at it. I decided to get her a gift certificate for a manicure as her "reward" for being such a wonderful Nurse. I think this funny occurrence really demands a visual for the full humor effect. I'll see what I can do. Heavy editing will be needed.

Babies are funny, especially your own baby. I will try my hardest to not become "one of those women" and objectively write about only the instances in which I can say I would honestly find humorous if it were not my child. I am allowed one sentence though - she is truly amazing, the most beautiful, wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. All of the obstacles that I have overcome to get to this point and still have ahead of me are worth every painful emotion 100 times over.