I know, I know. I'm stupid. This is where I should be right now. On a mostly expense paid vacation. But, noooo I choose to stay behind and "relax." Enjoy some me time. Which for the most part has consisted of time spent with on average 10 other people at any given moment (besides today which I vowed I would not see a soul - and it sucks, I have forgotten how to be alone - which I used to covet more than time spent with people). Every since I can remember I have wanted to be a boy. Not banging women kinda boy, but not over analyzing, overthinking, over everything kinda boy. Boys/Men are down right simple - because nothing beyond that is really expected of them. I was soo looking forward to this trip - but, I had to go and ruin it for myself by getting into the mind of the person who invited me (or trying to - which I discovered I sucked at). So, since I got no feedback from this person beyond "yeah, go. I won't be there and I am not promising you anything that puts me out. But, go there and just relax, you need a vacation. Have fun. Now, please get your shit and get out of my house because I have to get up early and this whole conversation is tired and boring me. You are giving me all I need to be secure and treat you like shit. But, I am not going to give you much beyond an inch because if I do I might lose this headtrip I'm on." Well, more like "yeah, sure go. Where's your stuff you need to go home." So, I did what any woman with half a backbone would do - I told his sister I wasn't going and didn't tell him anything. It wasn't difficult because he never asked when I was arriving, if I was excited, anything really. So, I didn't even have an akward moment of breaking the news to him about my nonexsistence - I just remained nonexsistent. This is supposed to be my "summer of george." And, in true capricorn fashion I made up my mind to take charge of my life completely and I did it. I decided that this summer I will take no shit from men. I always take shit from men. It's my main fault, I believe. Anytime in the past when good things have happened it has been from a "summer of george" moment that ultimately led me to becoming TRULY happy at being alone again. But, as a friend from Oregon had recently said to me "anytime I truly become comfortable with my life a man comes along and fucks it all up again." It's true. But, that is precisely why I love life so much.