I am horrible at relationships. I have a deep horrible issue with relationships. I still have hope besides these statements. I seem to fuck up time and time and time again. Since I can remember first liking a boy I remember the difficulty I had remaining true to myself post these heafty initial feelings of love. I completely lose sight of what I like, want, need and kill myself trying to get this person to like me on whatever terms they seem to steer me in. It is horrible. As a 35 year old woman, it is not only horrible it is debilating and extremely stressfull. I've been in therapy, I've talked incesantly to friends, family, read self help books, done every controlling proactive thing possible to try and understand why I fuck up relationships with people I like. I could be married, but I would not be in love. The men I "love" are the ones that end up treating me like shit, leaving me, not caring about me and just overall make me feel extremely insecure and scared shitless for the majority of the time and on the highest high ever exprerienced at other much less frequent times. It's so tiring. The sick thing about it all is when I step back from these ruined relationships I see why they fail. I have little in common with them, they ultimately bore me and if they are clingy I get super independent and make them feel like shit and if they are distant I get clingy and scare them away. My sister always reminds me of how every since I have let down my guard at around the age of 25 and opened up to people I have been in this extreme mode of longing for the "right man." Now I have a daughter and 2 jobs and a long ass commute and 10,000 other things going on - but, I am lonely and don't want to be anymore. It'll pass, I'm sure it's all very normal. Constant struggle, I think it might be time for me to stop by the bike store and see if Ryan, the owner, knows who the adorable curly haired guy in the khaki linen pants was. I'm hopelessly hopefull.