WOULD YOU TRUST THIS DOG??

Awwww Yeahhhh!! I'm back baby. I lost my username and password and I have been dying to write and have not been able to. For whatever reason whenever I write in my journal it's sad. I think it goes back to my Judy Blume days. All those books in the early 80's - the teeniebooper books - had main characters who kept journals and would write about all their pent-up angst.

I am not a pessimist, in fact not enough of one even. But, I do wholeheartedly believe that people are inherently selfish. No big news flash here, but, why don't we acknowledge it more. I mean, I am leery of everyone - but, I am such an odd combo of complete trust and complete distrust with men and family. Basically, the people that I am supposed to be most trusting of. I blame my mother. Ha. There I said it - fuck you therapists. I mean, why deny it. My mom knows she's to blame and so do I. In fact most people's issues stem back to their mothers. Especially the most seminal issues. And, my biggest issue is with trust. And since the age of rememberance she has been drilling in my head to rely on no one because everyone will fail you. I am not dumb. I do see now that this is ridiculous. But, I see her point. She had an awful childhood laden with adults disappointing her. So, she had to see the fun in life from her own eyes. And, even though she got lucky as an adult and has people who love her 100%, she still won't let her guard down and people in. I fight that everytime I meet someone I like so that I don't end up like her. But, I am still my mother's daughter and in my heart of hearts I know a big part of what she was preaching is true.

Now that I am in this odd limbo of single motherhood initiation I find myself growing up and seeing more and more people's selfish behaviors. I'm no better. I wanted it all. The baby, caring/doting husband, house to take care of, mouths to cook for. I trusted that I had it unconditionally (for a month), but, at the same time I knew that it could be taken away and that was my biggest fear. THEME! Facing one's biggest fear. (If I write enough I figure these things out). Wow, so that's what I've done, doing, dealing with, facing, etc. My biggest fear. The thing I wanted more than anything in the world was taken from me and now I am on my own to pick up the pieces, "be strong," go it alone - ok, like I have a freaking choice.

It's oddly liberating and confidence inducing to face and handle your biggest fear. Think about the thing that scares you the most, more than anything. Mine was trusting someone unconditionally, relying on them 100% with my heart and then getting it taken away and having it all be a sick joke. Not death, not cancer, not poverty, that is it. And, it happened. I know that seems simple. But, in many ways death is so much easier. You die, you don't have to deal. Everyone hates a person facing their biggest fear. For selfish reasons. They see themselves going through it. They hug you, cry with you, empathize OR they ignore you like the plague. Then they go home to their husband, kiss him and appreciate him for a day or two and then go back to forgetting that everything can go away just as quickly as it came. I hate that. I hate that they get to go home and kiss their husband. I want to drop kick their husband and make them just as much of an asshole as mine. I know it's wrong, but, I do. No one likes to be alone. State of mind alone. But, at the same time I love that people have the belief of unconditional love with no lack of trust it gives me hope.

Things are winding down, coming to a close with the details of the whole situation. It still seems so tangible but at the same time I am completely detatched. Wake up, go to work, talk to friends, go out, read, go to bed. I see now that it is a short period of time before I forget too. Before I move, on dream my dream again. Believe in someone again and start all over. See this person who emotionally devastated me as just another person. But, there are so many differences this time around. My priorities, confidence level, interests, everything will be altered because of this baby. I am ready to take it on. THAT is the benefit of facing your biggest fear - you realize it's just fear. Just an emotion that makes you cry, feel alone, feel like things will never change, irrational. Then before you know it you are thinking about what type of burrito you are going to have for dinner. It's no different from any other fear one overcomes. Just more intense, okay, a lot more intense. But, I will survive and be myself again. A different version of myself, but, pretty much the same person.

The shame of this whole awful past month's (year's) occurrences is that I am finally growing up. Finally realizing it's all the same shit, all the same emotions, all the same people. Pick one person, go into the rabbit hole, create a life, give/be loved, do the best you can and hopefully you feel fulfilled. That is what you do. Took me much longer than my friends to see that this is life. Ups and downs, good and bad, hate and love - all mixed together. I just wish that I would have chosen someone who knew these things too. But, I know that someday I will see, glaringly, that I am better off and happier because of it. I can't wait for that day to come.