"Well she's going to have a lot of poops." AKA, I have to go, this call is boring me and I really don't care plus I think you are trying to get attention off of you're daughter's bowel movements. I have this...friend...that always acts all concerned over GG's issues. It's a front, I'm convinced. Does anyone, I mean anyone really honestly care about a baby's problems but the mother. I mean, my sister is a saint - abnormally caring - she does, but most people don't besides the actual mother. Not the father, grandma, grandfather - it is so boring, isn't it? Not when your in the heat of the action it's not in fact. Last night was one of the longest most draining nights of my life. I could write a not so short story on last night. The poops, the crying, the sleeping in the big bed - so much action, noises HOLY SHIT the Stomper is up, my belly starts to hurt - the room smells like a monkey house, it's chaos I tell you! But, this friend could care less. Well, I understand but as the mother it is just heartbreaking that people don't want to listen. I want to share my horror stories. I used to be one of these people that never talked - only maybe to 2 people. Besides that I was super private and did not share with anything - I'm thinking seriously about going back to those days. Not repressing just not being so open. Half the shit I talk about these days is just boring. I recently read that by not speaking people think you are intelligent - I picture a lot of nodding and hmmms. And, the more questions you ask of the other person - How do you feel, What did you think of dinner, Where did you get that dead racoon - the more the other person will like you. I'm getting back to me damnit - my Mom who sorry Mom, but her advice usually sucks gave me really good advice this morning. Stop caring about other people so damn much. It's true it's been ions since I've done that. I have been so preoccupied in everyone else that I don't know who I am anymore. So trite, but sometimes trite is good - it just hit home this morning when she said that. I was like, yeah, so if someone doesn't like me then I just don't have them in my life anymore. There are tons more people to meet and fuck, I mean.. I'm done with trying to make my daughter's poops sound exciting. Fuck that friend that can't see the excitement in some sick crazy night of uninhibited bowel movements. His loss.

Post baby sucks. I had a baby 6 months ago this Saturday and I can not shake these awful feelings of doom and gloom. The thing that sucks more than anything is that no one wants to hear about them. Or, should I say I don't want to share them with anyone. It's weak and degrading and pathetic that someone who has as much as I do is feeling this way. The only explanation is hormones. I cry when I go to bed because I am tired and fixated on whatever "horrible" foreshadowing I have going on in my head. And, I cry when I wake up due to the same feelings - fatigue, hopelessness. It has went on for so long now that I feel it's a part of me. It is like some horrible teen agnst novel. Like a Judy Blume book. Waaah, wahhh, I don't have a husband, I live where it's always warm and sunny, there are ugly people on the beach - it's pathetic. I don't want to take medication which is just pissing the people who I do share with off - great sentence I know, say it outloud, I'm depressed damnit. I do wish I had someone to unload on and rub MY back and tell ME it will be ok - and then it could very well be okay or it not. Who knows, I put too much emphasis on the uncontrollable. So, I spend time with selfish, spoiled men that add to my burdens because of the glimpses of whatif's I have. There's no end, only updates. Waiting for the next big change. It'll come, I'll have to stick in there - they always come, those big changes. Reminds me of Billy Joel and that cheesy song of his that I always sing along with. Oooohhh, you'll get your second wind - ewww, ohhhh. I'm depressed and a dork, great.