THE THREE WISE ANTS

It was a toss up. Street meat or bible school class dream. Street meat has been on my mind a lot lately, but, since I have just gotten done eating lunch I've decided to go with my bible school dream I had last night. First of all, yesterday was a pretty darn good day. Work was fun/funny/fast, I had therapy after (big advocate of therapy - leery of those who are not - who wouldn't want to better themself?), then met up with a friend for a drink, back to apartment with an amazing slice of bbq pizza, late eve run and then Gilmore! Blammmeeeeeyy! Can you beat that? SO, it's no wonder I'm depressed today. The pregnancy makes my moods really fun. Well that and, being alone, leaving my favorite city, a great job, great friends AND being pregnant. But, hey - I'm not pathetic or feeling sorry for myself. Or, am I? Anyway - not the point. Focus! Bible school (church that I attended growing up pic above). I will start with a realization that I had in therapy, we'll go from there. Hold on, I know this is exciting for no one.

During therapy I realized that I have inherited my mother's arguing skills. My mother does not argue. She ends the discussion with either a look of "you idiot, I can't even deal with your stupidity" or "Well, I have a hair/nail/work/etc. appointment." She's good - she always "wins." Que to other person mouth agasp feeling confused, wrong, angry. And, she means no malice - she honestly can just walk away and think good thoughts and do fun things. Well, I HATE that. I hate that I do that. I am working hard to not do that anymore. I find I do that with things that reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaalllyyyy upset me. Other convos/fights, not directly related to me I will entertain. But, if someone comes to me and says "you smell, I know it's you and I am so upset that you are smelling like you do." I immediately think, "yeah, right - I smell" and then outloud I will say "you smell worse." And, then I will walk out of the room or go back to doing whatever. It's wrong. I let too much slide. I am not paying attention enough to other people's feelings. I just don't - it's wrong. Especially, especially, people I love. Makes no sense. People can insult/accuse me until the cows come home and I will talk about it - if not someone I care strongly for. 34 years old and I am just now fully realizing this.

So, last night in therapy this dawns on me. Then I say - what happened? I used to be such a sweet, perfect little kid. No sass, no attitude, no odd behavior. Really, quite a little angel. I will have to put a picture up to prove it - it's in my eyes when I was younger my sweetness. We talk about how it's good I realize this now, of course there will be similar characteristics, yada. I feel a bit better, but, still down on myself that I hurt people like my mom hurts people. Still thinking, great, now - an adult - total bitch - that's it. No more relationships ever for me, again, ever.

So after my amazing night of TG fun I hit the hay with a great book fall asleep and begin to dream about an incident that happened in Mrs. Bee's (bee or honey, something bee-ish) Sunday Bible School class. 2nd grade - full on prime cute-ness. Full on sweet, good TG before Evil No Room for Fighting Adult TG.

This is how it went - I had completely forgotten about this real life occurence. A girl I was friends with - but, only through bible school default friends - Nancy Antz - nonetheless bf in Bible School. She was short and had long sandy blond hair. Big head. Not cute, not ugly, just there. Well, Mrs. Bee called on me to read or something and something clicked in me. All of a sudden I hated Nancy Antz. I yelled out that Nancy Antz had ants in her pants. I was reprimanded and told that I would have to watch the Catholic mass on television as well as attend bible school. It was not enough for me. I was mad, mad that my joke didn't go over and I got in trouble. The rest of class we had to draw a picture. Mine was of three wisemen, but, I drew ants and wrote the "three wise ants" and then had a baby Nancy in the bed of straw where Jesus was supposed to be (I have this picture at my parent's house - I have to scan it in). So three big ants all standing around baby Nancy. This was all on my own doing for no reason. The teacher asked for volunteers to show our pictures I threw my hand up and showed the whole class. I finally got the laughs, Nancy started crying and I was kicked out of bible school class for the rest of the morning.

I woke up from my dream feeling somewhat realived. I have not turned as an adult, I have always been sassy, always had a mean streak. It's good for me to be more aware and try my best to not hurt those that I care for. But, it's also important for me not to beat myself up about it - it's a part of me. I get the laughs with some part of it. People love me because and in spite of it. Nancy Antz was not one of them, after that ill-fated day we parted ways. Back then I never looked back, the difference today is now as an adult I would.