Choo, choo - all aboard the every poplular train to Florida!! Ahhh, remember those days. Taking the train - what - like 17 hours to Florida?

Surpringsly, I do remember every year driving in a cargo van from Missouri to Symrna. My Mom, her best friend, her son and myself. The son, Patrick, and myself would bring chicken boxes full of board games and snacks that we were not allowed to look at until the van would set out on the long journey. We would have a blow up matteress in the back of the van where Patrick and myself would spread out and play games and Star Wars (I was always Princess Lea or BoboFett - here I am "playing Boba Fett" http://www.skaines.com/fett/Media/bigbfett.jpg - JOKING! Not sure who this is, but definately not me. This is more like this Boba Fett I knew http://www.zeustoys.com/images/toys/boba-fett.jpg).

Those were the days. So much fun. Staying at some cheesy hotel/resort. Swimming in the ocean until I would throw up. Getting sunburnt. I had my first crush on a much older "man" one summer in Florida. He was 13 and quite the stud (but, hey, you saw how I was shaking with Boba above;). Bringing back souvenirs for my best friend Sandra Bunner - a comb that said "Florida" on it and a crate of tiny bubble gum oranges. Back in the day Florida was like a dreamland. Moving there would have been unheard of, equivalent of moving to say Cancun as an adult. Well, my days as a New Yorker are dwindling and I will soon be taking my chicken boxes down to Florida to live permenantly.

It's a strange concept to fully grasp. Outside today, muggy as hell, I thought - god, I can't wait for the fall. Then I remembered, I am moving to Florida. I will not have Fall anymore. (As an aside - I do love the Fall and if I ever have a proper wedding I plan to have a Fall one no matter where I'm living). I'm moving to the land of pink homes, blue hair, endless places to buy bonds at 2am and check cashing on every corner. I will never again have nice boobs. My boobs will pale in comparison with everyone else's. Everyone has amazing boobs in Florida. And, my brown hair and brown eyes will be frowned upon. It is major, this change I am willingly taking on.

For so many reasons now is the time to make this move. I have been holding to NYC like a really sexy, fun, yet pretend, boyfriend. This layover has turned into 9 years. Until recently, I never felt truly at home with these people. Never quite cool enough or perfect enough. But, then over the past 3 years I finally started to come to grips with "love them or leave them." And, I too adopted the "hey, I'm a new yorker" kinda vibe. It felt good. I knew my boyfriend was pretend, but he was sexy and fun and I didn't care. Now that my life is changing in so many ways I need a clean break. Get back to my roots. Thank god, I am NOT moving to Missouri. But, I am moving to the things that I loved most about Missouri - my family. And, I know that if they have adjusted and feel "at home" there then so will I. But, under no circumstances am I getting fake boobs - or will I? No, I won't, or will I? NO, just kidding. Hee, hee.

THE THREE WISE ANTS

It was a toss up. Street meat or bible school class dream. Street meat has been on my mind a lot lately, but, since I have just gotten done eating lunch I've decided to go with my bible school dream I had last night. First of all, yesterday was a pretty darn good day. Work was fun/funny/fast, I had therapy after (big advocate of therapy - leery of those who are not - who wouldn't want to better themself?), then met up with a friend for a drink, back to apartment with an amazing slice of bbq pizza, late eve run and then Gilmore! Blammmeeeeeyy! Can you beat that? SO, it's no wonder I'm depressed today. The pregnancy makes my moods really fun. Well that and, being alone, leaving my favorite city, a great job, great friends AND being pregnant. But, hey - I'm not pathetic or feeling sorry for myself. Or, am I? Anyway - not the point. Focus! Bible school (church that I attended growing up pic above). I will start with a realization that I had in therapy, we'll go from there. Hold on, I know this is exciting for no one.

During therapy I realized that I have inherited my mother's arguing skills. My mother does not argue. She ends the discussion with either a look of "you idiot, I can't even deal with your stupidity" or "Well, I have a hair/nail/work/etc. appointment." She's good - she always "wins." Que to other person mouth agasp feeling confused, wrong, angry. And, she means no malice - she honestly can just walk away and think good thoughts and do fun things. Well, I HATE that. I hate that I do that. I am working hard to not do that anymore. I find I do that with things that reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaalllyyyy upset me. Other convos/fights, not directly related to me I will entertain. But, if someone comes to me and says "you smell, I know it's you and I am so upset that you are smelling like you do." I immediately think, "yeah, right - I smell" and then outloud I will say "you smell worse." And, then I will walk out of the room or go back to doing whatever. It's wrong. I let too much slide. I am not paying attention enough to other people's feelings. I just don't - it's wrong. Especially, especially, people I love. Makes no sense. People can insult/accuse me until the cows come home and I will talk about it - if not someone I care strongly for. 34 years old and I am just now fully realizing this.

So, last night in therapy this dawns on me. Then I say - what happened? I used to be such a sweet, perfect little kid. No sass, no attitude, no odd behavior. Really, quite a little angel. I will have to put a picture up to prove it - it's in my eyes when I was younger my sweetness. We talk about how it's good I realize this now, of course there will be similar characteristics, yada. I feel a bit better, but, still down on myself that I hurt people like my mom hurts people. Still thinking, great, now - an adult - total bitch - that's it. No more relationships ever for me, again, ever.

So after my amazing night of TG fun I hit the hay with a great book fall asleep and begin to dream about an incident that happened in Mrs. Bee's (bee or honey, something bee-ish) Sunday Bible School class. 2nd grade - full on prime cute-ness. Full on sweet, good TG before Evil No Room for Fighting Adult TG.

This is how it went - I had completely forgotten about this real life occurence. A girl I was friends with - but, only through bible school default friends - Nancy Antz - nonetheless bf in Bible School. She was short and had long sandy blond hair. Big head. Not cute, not ugly, just there. Well, Mrs. Bee called on me to read or something and something clicked in me. All of a sudden I hated Nancy Antz. I yelled out that Nancy Antz had ants in her pants. I was reprimanded and told that I would have to watch the Catholic mass on television as well as attend bible school. It was not enough for me. I was mad, mad that my joke didn't go over and I got in trouble. The rest of class we had to draw a picture. Mine was of three wisemen, but, I drew ants and wrote the "three wise ants" and then had a baby Nancy in the bed of straw where Jesus was supposed to be (I have this picture at my parent's house - I have to scan it in). So three big ants all standing around baby Nancy. This was all on my own doing for no reason. The teacher asked for volunteers to show our pictures I threw my hand up and showed the whole class. I finally got the laughs, Nancy started crying and I was kicked out of bible school class for the rest of the morning.

I woke up from my dream feeling somewhat realived. I have not turned as an adult, I have always been sassy, always had a mean streak. It's good for me to be more aware and try my best to not hurt those that I care for. But, it's also important for me not to beat myself up about it - it's a part of me. I get the laughs with some part of it. People love me because and in spite of it. Nancy Antz was not one of them, after that ill-fated day we parted ways. Back then I never looked back, the difference today is now as an adult I would.

How amazing is this picture? For some reason I find myself thinking about my last snowboarding trip. I should start by saying - I suck. I am not average, I am below average. But, there are many many things I enjoy about the sport and I am driven to get better. Which for me is as good as done - once I get my mind on something I become very motivated to follow through. Especially because everyone who knows how talks about how easy it is - that aggravates me but at the same time makes me hopeful.

The first time I went last season I went with my best guy friend. We had such a blast. I think I got worse that day. It was his first time and he was better than me. I discovered that it is really fun if you squat down and fly down the mountain. I must have looked like a real idiot, but, I could not stop laughing and it was just easy fun. The best kind. We vowed to go like a hundred more times that season, but, I met someone and did not have time to go visit my best guy friend a state away.

The next time I went I went with my then boyfriend. He is very good and very serious about the whole learning process. I knew it was good for me and he was just trying to help me. But, I was so nervous and everytime I fell I felt like I was letting him down. It was too much pressure for me. I have never been into sports because of that reason. I just want to have fun. When I have to be perfect or perform a certain way I start beating myself up. Plus, I fell, hard - really hard - like 5 times. Once right on my head, which must have looked pretty funny considering I was just getting off the lift and slammed my head down right under the chair on the ice. You could hear something crack - I think I dented my helment.

It's an interesting thought to compare the two trips - the two people. One, so easy and simple - uncomplicated, but, by being with him am I furthering my abilities, am I learning, am I getting better? The other, serious, plan in mind, all kinds of advice on techinique. Just different people. But, the trips so different too. One so confident he didn't care, one so caught up in what other people think, how he is perceived. I like aspects to both. I am too self conscious, but it is difficult to be with someone who is as well. Two alike people, being perfect, acting perfect, hoping people like us for what we are presenting. (Flashback to trip w/guy two) "Wait! I can fix the tire in the sleet with this old bobby pin and a pair of tweezers!" guy two saves the day, he's so dreamy! "I will clean the entire kitchen and help prepare the dinner!" myself - she's a real catch guy two, and so polite! Too much pressure. I remember looking over at him one night when we were all sitting in the living room at the resort. His legs about 4 feet apart, holding court, full on smile, holding his beer like a cool guy, talking about something that I had no idea about - something intellectual, like the G-8 Summit. I remember thinking, I have to take his picture because I can not believe I am dating this guy - who is this person. Really, who is he? I had no idea. I was with him and I had no idea. I don't think it was possible for me to really know him because he didn't know himself. I had to delete the picture later, I was embarassed. (His legs were so far apart). He would have never been the guy to squat on his board going 100 mph down a mountain "just to see how it feels" or jump with high knees on the trampoline because it looks so silly. I just couldn't relate. There are good points to being the way he is, but, I need a bit of both. So much of my life is spent looking for these hidden treasured moments.

I can't wait to go boarding again - I'll get a lesson, but, when no one around you better believe I'm squating also.

WOULD YOU TRUST THIS DOG??

Awwww Yeahhhh!! I'm back baby. I lost my username and password and I have been dying to write and have not been able to. For whatever reason whenever I write in my journal it's sad. I think it goes back to my Judy Blume days. All those books in the early 80's - the teeniebooper books - had main characters who kept journals and would write about all their pent-up angst.

I am not a pessimist, in fact not enough of one even. But, I do wholeheartedly believe that people are inherently selfish. No big news flash here, but, why don't we acknowledge it more. I mean, I am leery of everyone - but, I am such an odd combo of complete trust and complete distrust with men and family. Basically, the people that I am supposed to be most trusting of. I blame my mother. Ha. There I said it - fuck you therapists. I mean, why deny it. My mom knows she's to blame and so do I. In fact most people's issues stem back to their mothers. Especially the most seminal issues. And, my biggest issue is with trust. And since the age of rememberance she has been drilling in my head to rely on no one because everyone will fail you. I am not dumb. I do see now that this is ridiculous. But, I see her point. She had an awful childhood laden with adults disappointing her. So, she had to see the fun in life from her own eyes. And, even though she got lucky as an adult and has people who love her 100%, she still won't let her guard down and people in. I fight that everytime I meet someone I like so that I don't end up like her. But, I am still my mother's daughter and in my heart of hearts I know a big part of what she was preaching is true.

Now that I am in this odd limbo of single motherhood initiation I find myself growing up and seeing more and more people's selfish behaviors. I'm no better. I wanted it all. The baby, caring/doting husband, house to take care of, mouths to cook for. I trusted that I had it unconditionally (for a month), but, at the same time I knew that it could be taken away and that was my biggest fear. THEME! Facing one's biggest fear. (If I write enough I figure these things out). Wow, so that's what I've done, doing, dealing with, facing, etc. My biggest fear. The thing I wanted more than anything in the world was taken from me and now I am on my own to pick up the pieces, "be strong," go it alone - ok, like I have a freaking choice.

It's oddly liberating and confidence inducing to face and handle your biggest fear. Think about the thing that scares you the most, more than anything. Mine was trusting someone unconditionally, relying on them 100% with my heart and then getting it taken away and having it all be a sick joke. Not death, not cancer, not poverty, that is it. And, it happened. I know that seems simple. But, in many ways death is so much easier. You die, you don't have to deal. Everyone hates a person facing their biggest fear. For selfish reasons. They see themselves going through it. They hug you, cry with you, empathize OR they ignore you like the plague. Then they go home to their husband, kiss him and appreciate him for a day or two and then go back to forgetting that everything can go away just as quickly as it came. I hate that. I hate that they get to go home and kiss their husband. I want to drop kick their husband and make them just as much of an asshole as mine. I know it's wrong, but, I do. No one likes to be alone. State of mind alone. But, at the same time I love that people have the belief of unconditional love with no lack of trust it gives me hope.

Things are winding down, coming to a close with the details of the whole situation. It still seems so tangible but at the same time I am completely detatched. Wake up, go to work, talk to friends, go out, read, go to bed. I see now that it is a short period of time before I forget too. Before I move, on dream my dream again. Believe in someone again and start all over. See this person who emotionally devastated me as just another person. But, there are so many differences this time around. My priorities, confidence level, interests, everything will be altered because of this baby. I am ready to take it on. THAT is the benefit of facing your biggest fear - you realize it's just fear. Just an emotion that makes you cry, feel alone, feel like things will never change, irrational. Then before you know it you are thinking about what type of burrito you are going to have for dinner. It's no different from any other fear one overcomes. Just more intense, okay, a lot more intense. But, I will survive and be myself again. A different version of myself, but, pretty much the same person.

The shame of this whole awful past month's (year's) occurrences is that I am finally growing up. Finally realizing it's all the same shit, all the same emotions, all the same people. Pick one person, go into the rabbit hole, create a life, give/be loved, do the best you can and hopefully you feel fulfilled. That is what you do. Took me much longer than my friends to see that this is life. Ups and downs, good and bad, hate and love - all mixed together. I just wish that I would have chosen someone who knew these things too. But, I know that someday I will see, glaringly, that I am better off and happier because of it. I can't wait for that day to come.

me: I am tired. Tell me why I shouldn't be.
friend: you absolutely should be tired
Consider:
1. you're pregnant
2. you're under greater stress from sudden change
3. this means your body and mind is fighting off depression (and you're doing a good job)

Again, dear Crunk, I come back to you when my mind will not stop turning. Since my latest entry I am still in the "possum state" (see picture below). Pregnant. But, now, sadly and in the long run not sadly without my ever me so hopeful morphing partner in crime. He has jumped ship. An age old story. But, not for ME! I mean, yes, of course I've been dumped, but, by a man who I trusted with my life? No. It's been about 2 weeks - I am not counting - I hate counting dates from/to. I am doing so much better, but now the dreams have settled in. Weird things like I have to go tonight, with a friend - thank god - to the "apartment" to pick up some things and I am understandly dreading it. Not like we established a number of fabulous memories there, but, still anything can be too much at this point. My dreams last night reflected my fears. An overnight stranger. Where is this gut instinct that people have. I am so good with everyone else - trusting my gut - but, men. Was he perfect, no - no one is. At times he drove me nuts, at times, I thought what am I doing with him. But, for the most part I felt secure, happy, content. It was enough for me. I am simple in that way. In many, many ways I am not - but, in just going with the flow and not overanalyzing something comfortable and secure I just go with the flow. I have my moments, I AM a woman, but, I am ever so faithful and true.
Now, more than any other time in my life I have turned to friends. Family members are just people who could or could not have turned into your friends. I am lucky that my sister is my best friend. I am lucky that I have so many other friends that love me in spite of my faults. I am so choosy with friends. I pick good people, with a good base. Strong individuals. How come I don't do this with significant others? I typically pick weak men, with insecurities that are overwhelming. This is my reflection time. This is when I learn from my mistakes. I have no choice but to do so now that it is not me alone. I will be tied to this man most likely forever and I do see good in him and I know if he is involved with the child he will be kind. In that respect I am lucky. But, I could not do any of this without my friends. People I chose based on my intuition. It's there, I feel it. I need to focus that towards men who enter my life and from this point on I know I will.